Mister Ozzy the Dog - NeMachka is angry

Hello peasants,

Here’s NeMachka… hmmm… I hear people are talking and writing about me. Finally! I’ve finally figured out what Ozzy is doing, and while he’s sleeping on the soft rug all stuffed, I decided to steal his equipment and maybe even his fame to write a few lines myself, so let’s see what happens.

To start, maybe I should tell my story.

So, I was tiny, so small I could fit in the palm of your hand. I was all alone on the street. And yes, it’s true, I was near a dumpster, but only to find something to feed myself and survive because I was left all alone at the mercy of fate — not because, as some say, I fell out of a dumpster, was born in a dumpster, or lived in one. Ugh!

Then he appeared in my life—my Prince and my savior. Or at least he considers himself something like that; I just think that from that moment on my life became all milk and honey and that I deserve it. He brought me into his apartment, examined me, and then established that I had fleas. I even think he called me mangy at one point. I didn't react. I decided to wait because it looked like this was becoming my home, and when something is mine, it's mine forever.

It was clear I had to go to the vet. I endured it. They examined me there, fixed me up, and cleaned me. I was as good as new after just two weeks. I heard my Prince one evening telling someone that I only came for one night, but it seems I moved in. I thought he wanted to throw me back out on the street, to return me where I belong. I had to do whatever it takes to stay here where it's safe. I could never be humiliated like that ever again.

So I decided to purr and rub up against him all the time, every day, as much as possible. The goal was to make him love me so much that he couldn't live without me. Whenever someone would visit and say the cat—meaning my majesty—was bothering them, I’d make sure to snuggle up to my Prince so much that he’d kick that person out instead of me.

For years, it was just the two of us. He’d leave early in the morning for work, and I’d see him off. Then all day long, I’d stroll and stretch around my apartment, watching those mute little fish swimming from left to right because they don't have as much space as I do, a million of them squeezed together in that tight aquarium. Ugh!

Then I’d eat a few times a day, and mind you, exclusively the most expensive kibble and meat. Nothing else is good enough for me and my fur. When I felt like it, I’d sit outside on the balcony to sunbathe and warm up, and when I got bored of everything, I’d lie down on the big bed in the bedroom and sleep. I have a bunch of toys scattered all over the apartment, but it’s not my duty to pick them up—let him do it.

When my Prince returned from work, I’d greet him from the shelf by the front door, say hello loudly, and then rub around his legs. Interestingly, no matter how hard I try, I can never knock him to the floor. He tripped a few times, but that’s all.

I had a plan to be the only one in his life, and I succeeded. As I already mentioned, whenever someone came to our apartment, I’d make sure that person never came back because this is my apartment, and the Prince is mine alone. However, things changed a lot when SHE arrived 4 years ago!

Leah, that’s her name. She was hard to impress, even harder to deceive or get rid of. Here I am, working on it for all these years, and I haven't succeeded. Even worse, my Prince doesn't see me as much anymore as he sees her. He just wants to be with her. And whenever she goes somewhere and is gone for a day or two, he calls her on the phone and even dares to put her on my ear. I try to tell her then never to come back, but she's still here.

And of course, the worst thing of all is that she brought this big-eared, fat, big-headed, drooling, dangerous dog… that bulldog who chases me around the room at night, the one that makes my tail puff up every time I see him. Hey, he stinks and farts! He is awful! He snores so loudly at night, and on top of all that, he even dared to sleep in my bed!

Everyone loves him, everyone pampers him, but it won't be like that for much longer. I’ll come up with something to chase him away. I figured out that he, Ozzy, is always running after Leah. I noticed that connection. So I have to do something that will force my Prince, Ozzy, and Leah to separate. Leah won't want to live here without Ozzy, and then maybe all my problems will disappear. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oops! I think I hear his heavy breathing. I’m off before he catches me, but I’ll be back. Nobody is getting rid of me that easily!